Have been on the computer the past few days and before I know it the week is over.
I wanted to paint but I didn’t paint and there are also other things to do but I didn’t get around to doing them.
Set up the event brite and sent out a few invitations for people to come to the 4 Oct sharing session and I wonder who is going to come.
https://indiestudies2019.eventbrite.sg
Updated some things on the Facebook, ask who else is going to come and share something.
[I realised this was in my draft since 23 Sept when it was originally meant to be posted, the below is written on 16 Oct 2019.]
When I went through the drafts and the past posts I kept saying that life is short and then my zdi goh (second aunt on my father’s side) passed away. I looked back at the dream I thought I had of Chen Wen Hsi, but maybe it was of my ah dioh, (my aunt’s husband who had passed 10 years ago) coming to tell me that zdi goh was going to go soon. I’m not close to them at all, but my mother had decided for me to be their god child when I was very small, like a toddler. I suppose I should have done more for my godparents, but I did not and I could not really handle my life as it was, and that is that, I guess.
Earlier in week 2, Lynx and I had a long conversation at NTU CCA and we spoke about our parents and how their bad decisions scare us, and partly accounts for why I’m so desperately into living a different life. I am writing this on 16 Oct 2019, which is my father’s birthday. He had been refusing to pick up my call for the past few days, and presumably because he is angry with me. He was fine with me during his sister’s funerary rites but when it was over, he became angry with me again I guess. I had been trying to call him for the past 4 days and he had avoided my call. I think he is angry with me for refusing to help him carry out a bad business decision, earlier in the month. I had a big argument with him at the end of week 2, going to week 3. Or rather, he was basically scolding me for not understanding why he was perpetuating a bad investment. It’s not really an argument when I’m just being scolded. Is it not so good that I’m writing about these so openly? I already censored away the really personal details. I think being scolded by parents is pretty common. And if I have a point to make, it turns the experience for a good cause, maybe.
And my point is, if this is the way he chooses to spend his birthday today, then so be it. If this is the way he chooses to live his life, then so be it.
I even bought him a shirt his birthday. I called him just to wish him well, and to ask him for a meal. If he doesn’t want that then so be it.
Sure I could bring it over to his place and gift it to him or just force my presence upon him, but I don’t want to, and so be it.
I had been thinking about writing a post today 16 Oct to conclude whatever it is on the journal, to “close” the project, but the timestamp will make it the last entry the first on the journal and it will be abrupt. So I cannot pre-date a new entry. And I decided to open one of these post-dated ones to edit.
Time flies and life is short indeed. The moral of the story is, if we don’t make something out of the month that past, or the day, or the life, then time will also pass. While the experience of time may be augmented depending on the experience and mastery, the passing and linearity of it cannot really be disputed.
I didn’t tell the others about this subplot - this family life and whatever - for my interdependent studies experience, but it’s been important to me and my reflections. I am not just an indie student, artist, writer, creative person, or whatever, I am also a daughter and family member, and friend, and other whatever. Everything is a choice, and every time is a choice. It’s easy to forget these but it’s dangerous because the next time you recall, too much time might have passed and spent.
I’ve decided that this performative thing is secondary for me, while it is interesting to explore, it is not important. I can think of very many related interesting things to do, but I must remember, just because I can think of doing them, and that I can do them, doesn’t mean that I should.
Life is short and time is finite and I gotta spend it wisely, and go towards the direction I want to go.
I never did get around to documenting my thoughts about immortality and this other thing i forget that I wanted to document. But I guess I’d rather go do some other thing now.